you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
