Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
