I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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