dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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