Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
