I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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