The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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