$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
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