just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
