I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
