you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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