Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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