I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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