everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
