please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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