The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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