if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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