Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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