he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
