Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
