Where are you?
In a non slutty way
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I supernannyed him into submission
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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