you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
