He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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