I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
