i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
