I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Randomize
