hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
