ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
