Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
