I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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