every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
