miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
