Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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