I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Randomize
