Need sex. Gaining weight.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
