it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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