No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
