after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
