This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
