he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
