you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
