dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
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