im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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