meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
