Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
