i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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