All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
