$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize