I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
