I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
