She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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