Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My life is pants optional.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
