me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize