please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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