please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I fill condoms, not promises.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
