Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
