Dual....:-)
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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