he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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