Soap is not a condiment
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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