Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Your cock deserves a montage
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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