her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
