on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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