guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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